[MASSIVE TW FOR DYSPHORIA AND SUICIDE]
I feel like I need to update this blog. It is really only fair to you the reader as several people still view this blog and there has not been any updates since 2009. I don't want everyone to think that I have moved to Montana, where I live in a log cabin, wear plaid shirts, and kill elk with my bare hands (a la the Brawny Man - very John Eldridge). So here is the rest of the story, the raw truth....
I continued to struggle with massive depression, elephant on your chest, darkness and fog swirling, massive massive depression. To combat my depression I threw myself into anything that would distract me; work, church, redemption groups, the Help4Families group, etc. I neglected my wife, and my family. I was a terrible husband, I was a sham, a hypocrite. I was telling people how to live their lives, and lead their families and mine was in shambles. I made one more suicide attempt, more tempting fate to kill me by driving recklessly than actually a deliberate suicide attempt. I went to counseling, therapists, pastors, redemption groups, anything to try and rid myself of this depression and dysphoria.
In the spring of 2012, my wife and I decided to separate. I was a disaster, and was trying to hold things together but was imploding. I thought the solution was to spiritually flaggelate myself more, I beat myself bloody with scripture hoping something would change or take hold, hoping that I could get a brief reprive from the dysphoria. I cried out to God, and there was nothing, I decided God had abandoned me. In August of 2012, my wife and kids left, and I was crushed and heartbroken. I thought I could pull myself together, make it work. I decided while I was not Gay that maybe I was metrosexual, so I tried to be the best guy on the outside I could be. That did not last long... The depression was impairing and crushing. I finally decided the best course of action was to purposefully kill myself. I wrote a letter, and one Friday night took out my handgun and put it in my mouth. I decided to count down backwards and pull the trigger. As I counted down, I felt very peaceful, I knew it would be over soon; the fight, the struggle, the pain. As I was counting I heard God say "I'm not done with you..." So I stopped. On Sunday I took a drive out to Bowman Bay and hiked out to the point.
I wrestled with God for a long time that day about transitioning to living as a woman. I did not even know if it would really fix me, but it was the one thing that I had not tried. And I heard God clearly say; "If I am with you, who can be against you... I will be with you through this..." As I was sitting up there thinking, I was looking at this little tree, that was all bent over and swept by the wind, but was anchored to this rock. I think God lead me to that tree as if to say, "Hold on to me little wind swept tree, and I will take care of you..."
I started the process to transition to living full time in 2013. In January of 2013, I started Hormone Replacement Therapy. Over the next three months my depression began to subside, and by month four I realized that I was not depressed. For the first time in my life I felt "normal". Every day was NOT a struggle. I felt closer to God, because I could actually worship instead of feeling like I needed to beat myself into a relationship with Him. My kids have testified, without any prompting that I am a "more funner" person to be with. I was able to see how awful of a person I was before, and how I had negatively impacted those around me, I had to repent to people. I am still a Christian, involved in a church, and actually living joyfully, not in constant pain. Jesus is my God, Savior, Lord, King and Christ, and some may say that I am not a Christian, but I will plant my flag on that hill any day.
I will say, that this is not a recommendation that someone transition. That is a very personal decision that I think that needs to be made with much prayer, consideration, and thought. I do not disparage people who do not transition personal reasons, or those who do.
It reminds me of the poem by Robert Frost;
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I will say it is not an easy path to transition, it s really hard. You will suffer loss, and hardship, some more than others. But, I will not lie to people either and tell them it is a sin, or that God is condemning them. Or that there is a magic formula that will remove the Dysphoria.
Anyway, I felt that I owed it to you the reader to know the truth, not keep reading things I had posted, looking for some glimmer of hope there. I know it would have been easier just to remove the blog posts and delete the blog, but I felt it was important to add some context. I called this an Epitaph in the title, because in a real way I have ended a phase or era of my life, and moved on. I have decided to keep the old content, as a tribute to where I came from. If you would like to email me, I can be reached at elweelanesse@gmail.com or you can comment on this blog.
In Christ,
--Jessica Anne Ferguson